I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
