I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
