yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
