I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
