It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
