After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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