Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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