this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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