Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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