can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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