we made out on top of his cat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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