Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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