She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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