If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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