If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
