Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
