i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Drunk is not a location!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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