One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
