he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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