Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
These tits shall not be calmed
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
