i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
