I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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