Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
