Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
