There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize