My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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