My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
