the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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