Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
