Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you never un-have a 4some
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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