Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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