Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
