So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
