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That's how twitter works, right?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
