I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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