God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
