Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
