My liver just broke up with me...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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