He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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