God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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