meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
