Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
