On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
