I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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