you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
