Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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