it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
