If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
