do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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