just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
