I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
