Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
