I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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