I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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