I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
